So, today I spoke with my case worker. She told me a decision would be made today or tomorrow about my disability claim. I won't find out until the paperwork is mailed though.... Which sucks. Also, I just had my cervical spine mri today and I have a nerve conductivity test tomorrow... I'm sure they don't have my brainwave tests results and they haven't gotten the notes from my new neurologist. In other words, they have all of my notes from tests that were normal and my first neurologist who thought I was crazy. ... I guess the crazy bit could get me some money, but doubtful. One thing I know is I'm out of money and I am unable to work. I feel like just putting the comforter over my head and cocooning into nothingness because I'm pretty much useless at this point.
My right foot doesn't do what it's supposed to. This is weird to me... The part where it's been consistent and lasted for days. I can't move it upward. I have this weird-looking limp walk and require an arm to hold... I don't like this game. Sometimes I can get it to move upward a little, but it feels like there is something inside my foot blocking the entire motion. Then I start to shake a strange shake. And, after that, I stop trying all together.
I was able to get something for someone to see... My hand became numb over the weekend and then it became swollen. I showed it to my fiance and sure enough he saw it. Then it happened again the next night. He also noticed my ankle and knee to be a little swollen and my calf. These are good things in my eyes because at least other people can experience them, too. It's not just my and my psychogenic-being.
I want to bargain with my disability decision makers and say, "I promise, pinkie-swear, that after they diagnose me and find a way to fix me, I promise I'll go back to work and pay it forward." But, they need me to be permanently disabled??? Soooo.... I can't(?) say things like that. I wish I could though. I'm not one of these people that don't need it, just asking for a hand-out because I don't want to work. Well, of course, I don't want to work, but that isn't why I'm asking for disability. I actually NEED it because at this point I can't even be a greeter at Walmart. (not that that's a bad thing, I just mean I can't even stand around and say hello to people). I know emotions don't count for anything, but, it sucks being like this. I didn't ask for the inability to move when I want to or the pain when I do anything or the loss of memory. I prided myself on my vocabulary and my memory, and my organizational skills. Now, nothing. I'm writing notes all over the house and STILL don't remember. I go from one moment in life to another without knowing how or for what reason I got there. These are not happy things.
If trading these things meant I could get a job like everyone else or at least settle for whomever will hire me because there are no jobs, I would. Just to know that I was ABLE to provide for myself and my family is everything. Being dependent on everyone around me isn't something I feel like getting used to. I can't stand it. "NO, don't help me carry my bag!" Even though I'm stumbling and toppling over like a limp puppet. "I will NOT use that cane!" Even though I can't walk to the kitchen without grabbing everything in my path for balance and coordination AND weight assistance. And, I know I should quit smoking, but smoking is the only thing that I can consistently do and do well. It's the only thing I don't need help with yet. I'm not forgetting how to use my lighter or to pick up another one. Although, my fingers can't always hold onto a stick and sometimes I do need to use both hands to light the lighter.... I sometimes need help... Gah! Now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing even THAT I can't do consistently.
I wish I had followers to comment and share their opinions or issues or complications. At least I wouldn't feel so isolated and lonely. These things make me feel so alone. No one I know understands what I'm going through. It isn't until tears come out or there was the actual visually apparent swelling that people really acknowledge... even then they don't because they can't. Not unless they've been here.
Whatever, OK, yeah.
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