Survived The Night

Good morning. Here is the part where I teach my body to move after a sleep. I do this by walking short distances until I get the hang of it and frequently sitting. My shaking isn't as bad in the morning, just the moving. I feel stiff. I feel like I'm 100 years old. But, after some practice I'm pretty sure I'll have a few hours of close-to-normal movement before the wretchedness of malfunctions start.

Last Night's Adventures:

I went out, saw friends, saw family, and was donated a cup of light beer. Although it was great to see everyone, I can't help but get angry about the way I show myself now. And, ashamed to know how I was and how I am now. The constant horrific movements and my speech... well, coming and going like it does, no one can tell that I'm actually having issues. It's not that I want them to know, but at the same time when they don't know, they make jokes because they don't know. I'm not upset with them, but that increases my distaste for myself and my condition. I was told by my future mother-in-law, who has seen me more often, "You look like you're doing better. You look happy and not all doped up. Are you all doped up?" This was said as I was standing outside smoking a cigarette. My knees wouldn't stop shaking and my gait was laughable. I said, "Yes, I'm doped up. I'm always doped up. I'm just not doped up on the one that makes me AS drowsy." She was trying to be nice, but it came across as a pity compliment. I love her and she loves me and I know she worries and just wants the best for me and her son, but it was so obvious that I was not doing better. Maybe I'm making it out to be more than it is. Maybe I wasn't that noticeably awkward. I do know that it was hard to walk and hard to sit still. Sometimes I am headed for a destination and my legs just stop on me. And, I have to think really diligently to get them to move again. And, sometimes I have trouble lifting my feet. Annoying.

The night was fun... and funny. It was great in spite of my difficulties. I stood at the bar for several minutes thinking about what I wanted to order. What can I afford? That was the main question. Then the realization that even if I ordered a drink, I wouldn't be able to walk it back to my table without spilling it all over everyone in my path. So, I sat back down at my table waiting for the show to start. There were a lot of, "How are you?"'s and "I'm great."'s floating around the smoke filled venue.

Yes, take away all of the physical, I'm great... Oh, and all of the financial worries. And, I'm not trying to complain. It could be so much worse. It could get so much worse. I am honestly thankful, if I'm going down one of the paths I think I am, I'm thankful for even the difficulties of today.

Now, money... That's different. I'm in the waiting stage of the game for all forms of assistance. I wasn't able to perform my job anymore, so that income is out. My partner is providing for us, but he's broke after the bills are paid. I have insurance, but there are co-pays. How many consultations and introductory sessions with specialists does it take to obtain an overdraft fee???? About 2. We need some groceries. We're thugging it with cereal and pb&j right now, but soon the bread and milk will run out. Personally, I'd prefer cigarettes to food because the action of smoking and the concentration it takes, helps my body and brain at lease feel aligned for a second. He doesn't understand that. His hope is that I quit, but he'll settle for a cut-back. He's also never been here.

With him, it was his body. Only his body. The only time he couldn't focus was during a painful spell, and nothing is available to help in those times. I'm going to accept the smoking argument as an agreeing to disagree topic, even if he doesn't.

I came home and took two very low doses of klonopin and fell asleep.

My  kiddo is with her dad on the weekends. I hate to say it, but her being away does give me some breathing room. I hate for her to see me like this. I hate that I can't read her a simple bedtime story with grace and enthusiasm. She's understanding though... for a five year old.

My Thanks Portion:

I'm thankful that I woke up this morning. I'm thankful that I could type. I'm thankful that I have friends and family who love me. I'm thankful for the sunshine regardless of the heat. I'm thankful for soda, and I'm thankful that everyday I have the optimism, even if only in the morning, of being myself again.... myself as I was before. I'm thankful for vitamins, tea, water, and coffee. And, I'm thankful to have a house to live in.

Now Onto The Saturdays and Sundays!

What does the weekend have in store??? We shall see...